An open, honest question

How can you claim to be o-so-worried about my fucking mental health while ACTIVELY trying to make me COMMIT SUICIDE for a DECADE???

Why I Will Not Put Away Childish Things

 In non-mutually-bullies-in-denial news, I found a whole fucking bunch of art and scribblings from when I was a little kid.

. . . it was on my fucking nightstand, in plain view. Depression is weird.

Also on my nightstand or kitchen table:

• AD&D characters for a DM who has now died of old age
• Ancient halloween makeup
• Filthy old glasses case
• shoe horn (WTF)
• Scented candles
• All the stuff I ever made in ceramics class

Now I just need to find the great big folder of stuff from Art class, assuming it wasn't stolen by bullies at some point back then. And the shirts from fabrics class. And so on.

Back Into 'Hiding'

Alright. I finally found the words for where my mind was and they never read them, so enough of that. I’ll be on wordpress or something for OOC shit so they won’t have their oh-so-mentally-ill selves disturbed by the real thing.

By whatever sadistic, stupid bastard created this universe, I’m more confused than ever.

Never leaving my tiny little zone of fun again, no matter what the mania says.

Calming Down

 If Loki can wait a few thousand years for Ragnarok than you can outwait the desire to drag yourself down into a spiral, dearest. If Medusa can go on adventures as a severed head then you certainly can as a girl with mental illness. Remember that. Remember that.

Sleep now.

Safety

 So I just got sent a friendly message on behalf of Facebook. Fucking hell, I didn't know they did that.

Probably automated, but holy shit is it nice.

Characters I can't play right

Loki: I am not up to playing a god, no matter how sympathetic the backstory. Making him a journal was an early step on the road to becoming a pagan, and even then I was frustrated with my inability to portray the god as I imagined him. (Also, trying to tell the myth influences from the Marvel ones was Hell. No pun intended.) I may use this as my paganism blog in future.

Hannibal Lecter, who I've tried a couple times. . I think he was the first journal I made on LJ, back when the idea of a character blog was a startling revelation to me, and while I wasn't exactly terrible at him . . . well, he's so much the sort of scheming master manipulator that even his creators don't know his motives. I was, at the time, a depressed teenager with undiagnosed autism. It was not a good match; I can't even be subtle enough to play the angsty teenage version from the relatively meh prequel. Especially since this was before there was a show, and the mythological references weren't really there yet. This is important, because one of my focuses with my autism has been mythology even since I was five and running around pretending to be Jormungandr instead of Godzilla. (My gender is tomboy LOL) I have a picture of Medusa on one wall and a dragon on the other, so I could have done that rather well, but instead I was stuck trying to play a very earthly evil genius ten years before a version that was reasonable to play as a wendigo existed.

Aaand the Master. The problem with the Master was in fact that I was too much like him. As a kid, before the depression took over and turn my thoughts into grey fog, my best traits were intelligence, creativity and sense of humor. My worst traits as a teen were semi-understandable anger at the whole world, a fascination with horror/violence and an inability to think about other people. When I first saw the episodes of Doctor Who with Simm's Master in them I fixated with an honestly frightening intensity. I don't think I ever watched another episode of the actual show, because that might ruin the fact that there was a cool, scary supervillain version of me, holy shit look at that!!! So yeah.

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 I need to go turn off notifications for this journal or I'll never stop arguing, ugh.

So now that I'm never dealing with that again . . .

 Holy shit, I can have a life! There are so many things I've been missing.

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 Oh lovely, Facebook knows about me now.

Well you know what? Fuck the lot of them. Maybe now the artwork I've done for years will get out there :D