Why I was silly years ago

[changelingchilde]

 Teenage angst can extend into your 20s when you're depressed

I'm autistic and my main interests are monsters, cannibals and mythical creatures.

I had no friends IRL and was trying to become best friends with everyone. Nothing was just a game for me.

I had not watched enough Doctor Who. It's a long show and I was only interested in a few seasons of it.

I was not as good a writer back then.


I've been better off for a couple of years now, but how I was treated was terrible enough and my depression was severe enough that I didn't even think that I could try again until I had a manic episode

And because someone said that this isn't technically an apology yet: sorry about being such a mess back then.

Comments

[changelingchilde]

The thing is? I never understood that violence is actually scarier than sex. I would have probably tried to punch anyone that said I had a sexual nature in any way, because the American attitude that sex is gross and violence is entertainment was simply how I believed the world to be. I still have a huge amount of trouble with that, and only during the conversation I had with everyone today did I fully articulate it to myself that no, that's a front, violence is considered worse even when it isn't actually happening.

I still remember those two together very fondly, by the way. We clicked pretty damn well.

[askthelookout]

I get that. It's not the same, but enough to ring a chord: my experience with being female was similarly about taking dominant narratives on board ("female things are Worse") and internalising it to hell, and it takes a lot to shake that kind of thing. (unrelated, but I now identify as genderqueer and it helps me a lot to have that distance from the issue - hopefully IDing as asexual can give you a similar distance)

But in the end, what people have taken issue with from you isn't that you're playing Bad Wrong Things that are Bad and Wrong. There are some people whose issue is that you're into vore/cannibalism, but those people aren't the majority. Most people's issue is that you were trying to play vore/cannibalism with them, when they'd said that they, personally, weren't comfortable with it. I'm saying this because it seems to be part of a larger pattern which, again, is very common in autistic folk: you're assuming that you're being condemned for doing a thing that's objectively wrong (playing violent stuff) but actually the issue is the context in which you did it. There are lots and lots of people who play scary/violent/horrific stuff, and mostly they aren't attacked for it - but that's because they make sure they're only doing it with people who also want to play that. Does this make sense? It's not that you played a Wrong Thing, it's that you played a controversial thing with the wrong people, and didn't take responsibility and pull away when they turned out not to be into it.

I know the sex/violence thing is probably coming up now in relation to me recommending F-List (which is why I said it might sound strange, but if you're not comfortable playing there, don't play there), but I wanted to unpack it a little because it's come up over on wankgate as well, and I noticed that you're framing it in a way that suggests you think people's problem is what you were playing, not how you went about it.

Anyway. I remember them quite fondly too, although looking back at my writing then makes my eyeballs want to crawl back inside my brain. Ugh. Teenage-Jormy, why were you like this?

I'm glad I commented here, actually. It's good to have talked to you again finally, you know? :)

[changelingchilde]

I'm actually still in one tiny, peaceful comm with all of about 3 members. The person who founded it has had the year from Hell, so we've been reduced to one single thread in the whole place, but her year started getting better almost the exact same time I had my first manic episode. (Personally I thank/blame Loki, he seems the kind of god who would find that funny.)

So if you ever wanted to play again, Mordred is one of the characters there.

Would you, or am I just being stupid again?

[askthelookout]

You're not being stupid. But I don't really have a lot of time lately, and I don't play Bert much any more (only used this journal here bc I thought you'd be more likely to recognise me), so... probably not. Sorry.

I'm glad you've found somewhere that suits you, though. That's really good! :D

[changelingchilde]

I probably haven't slept in the last couple of days, but for what it's worth I think I'm FINALLY done being the idiot who tries to calmly explain things to bullies.