Why I was silly years ago

[changelingchilde]

 Teenage angst can extend into your 20s when you're depressed

I'm autistic and my main interests are monsters, cannibals and mythical creatures.

I had no friends IRL and was trying to become best friends with everyone. Nothing was just a game for me.

I had not watched enough Doctor Who. It's a long show and I was only interested in a few seasons of it.

I was not as good a writer back then.


I've been better off for a couple of years now, but how I was treated was terrible enough and my depression was severe enough that I didn't even think that I could try again until I had a manic episode

And because someone said that this isn't technically an apology yet: sorry about being such a mess back then.

Comments

[askthelookout]

Hey, I don't know if you remember me - we played together for a while back in Hobane Hollow way back in the LJ days, when you were playing Mordred?

I just want to say, I get what you're trying to do, and I understand that you may not entirely get why people have been so hostile towards you. Honestly, I didn't get it for a while either, because I didn't have any huge issues with you while we were playing together - you were maybe a bit clingy, but that was all. But I've seen you around now and then since (mostly, I will admit, through Wankgate - checking anoncomms is a bad habit but one I can't seem to shake), and the thing is, I do understand that hostility in light of that.

I don't think you're a bad person or anything, that's not what I'm saying. I also don't think you've done anything with the intention of hurting anybody. But the thing is, everything I've seen has shown that you don't know how to respect people's boundaries. You'll note I said "respect", not "understand", because it's completely reasonable, for all the reasons you've listed, that you might not have understood where people's boundaries were or why. The thing is, though, they've told you. Multiple people have told you, repeatedly and clearly, "please don't drop cannibalism into threads without asking" and "please don't tag people who've asked you not to". People have made their views clear, and you've steamrollered them. That isn't excusable by autism, or depression, or anxiety, even if those are the reasons for it - it's your responsibility to do what you can to avoid overstepping boundaries, and you haven't done that in the past.

I think it's true that you've been treated worse than you deserved. Anoncomms are pretty vitriolic places (which is why I hate that I keep reading them), and some of what they've said to and about you has been well beyond the pale. But, as someone who did used to consider you a friend, I am telling you for your own sake that there is nothing to be gained by trying to get retribution, or make your case, or "fix" things. People will not accept it. I'm sorry, but they won't. You've hurt people, just as they've hurt you, and at this point the only thing you can do that won't cause more hurt on both sides is to cordon off that part of your life and move on. Let it be a shitty thing that happened in the past.

If you want to roleplay, I recommend that you either find a forum for it that's more suited to what you want to play (this may sound strange, but I would suggest F-list, which is much more open to things like cannibalism and violence - it's a sex site but people play non-sex things there too) or find another hobby that fits a similar niche, maybe MMORPGs or fanfic battles. I think it's important that you understand that you will not be accepted back into DWRP with open arms - never mind whether that's right or wrong, it's the way it is. And you need to make peace with that, and with what's happened in general. Easier said than done, I know!

Listen, mate, this is the thing: a lot of us in journal RP are autistic, are lonely, are depressed and aren't necessarily at our best in general. It's a hobby that attracts introverts and, for whatever reason, a lot of mentally-ill people (myself included). Nobody is blaming you for being ill, or at least if they are they are absolute shitnuggets. But being ill doesn't mean you're let off the hook. And, actually, nor does apologising.

Let me rephrase that to be clearer: it is good to apologise. But it's not sufficient. This could be the best apology in the world, and there would still be people who wouldn't want to deal with you and who would be angry with you, and you need to let them. You don't need to let them hurt you, but you need to let them deal with their own hurt in their own way. That doesn't mean you should let them abuse you; just don't invite it, and don't abuse them back. Either walk away (I recommend that) or, if you're determined to find a niche in this specific community, do it with care, and respect people's decision not to want to be around you.

I'm sorry for rambling on like this. Honestly, I've been watching from a distance for a while now and vaguely worrying about you, because this behaviour's clearly hurting you as much as it hurts anyone else. So this is most of a decade's worth of vague concerns squished up together, badly. But hopefully some of what I'm saying makes sense.

The person you're describing - autistic, depressed, bullied, still with a lot of room to grow but desperately trying to be everyone's BFF? Yeah, that was me when I knew you. It describes a lot of us, actually, at least as we were when we got into RP. But we all still have a responsibility to be flexible, to make space for others, and to take care of ourselves. Especially once we're adults.

Please take care of yourself. I worry about you.

~ Jormy (lookoutofgilead)

[changelingchilde]

The thing is? I never understood that violence is actually scarier than sex. I would have probably tried to punch anyone that said I had a sexual nature in any way, because the American attitude that sex is gross and violence is entertainment was simply how I believed the world to be. I still have a huge amount of trouble with that, and only during the conversation I had with everyone today did I fully articulate it to myself that no, that's a front, violence is considered worse even when it isn't actually happening.

I still remember those two together very fondly, by the way. We clicked pretty damn well.

[askthelookout]

I get that. It's not the same, but enough to ring a chord: my experience with being female was similarly about taking dominant narratives on board ("female things are Worse") and internalising it to hell, and it takes a lot to shake that kind of thing. (unrelated, but I now identify as genderqueer and it helps me a lot to have that distance from the issue - hopefully IDing as asexual can give you a similar distance)

But in the end, what people have taken issue with from you isn't that you're playing Bad Wrong Things that are Bad and Wrong. There are some people whose issue is that you're into vore/cannibalism, but those people aren't the majority. Most people's issue is that you were trying to play vore/cannibalism with them, when they'd said that they, personally, weren't comfortable with it. I'm saying this because it seems to be part of a larger pattern which, again, is very common in autistic folk: you're assuming that you're being condemned for doing a thing that's objectively wrong (playing violent stuff) but actually the issue is the context in which you did it. There are lots and lots of people who play scary/violent/horrific stuff, and mostly they aren't attacked for it - but that's because they make sure they're only doing it with people who also want to play that. Does this make sense? It's not that you played a Wrong Thing, it's that you played a controversial thing with the wrong people, and didn't take responsibility and pull away when they turned out not to be into it.

I know the sex/violence thing is probably coming up now in relation to me recommending F-List (which is why I said it might sound strange, but if you're not comfortable playing there, don't play there), but I wanted to unpack it a little because it's come up over on wankgate as well, and I noticed that you're framing it in a way that suggests you think people's problem is what you were playing, not how you went about it.

Anyway. I remember them quite fondly too, although looking back at my writing then makes my eyeballs want to crawl back inside my brain. Ugh. Teenage-Jormy, why were you like this?

I'm glad I commented here, actually. It's good to have talked to you again finally, you know? :)

[changelingchilde]

I'm actually still in one tiny, peaceful comm with all of about 3 members. The person who founded it has had the year from Hell, so we've been reduced to one single thread in the whole place, but her year started getting better almost the exact same time I had my first manic episode. (Personally I thank/blame Loki, he seems the kind of god who would find that funny.)

So if you ever wanted to play again, Mordred is one of the characters there.

Would you, or am I just being stupid again?

[askthelookout]

You're not being stupid. But I don't really have a lot of time lately, and I don't play Bert much any more (only used this journal here bc I thought you'd be more likely to recognise me), so... probably not. Sorry.

I'm glad you've found somewhere that suits you, though. That's really good! :D

[changelingchilde]

I probably haven't slept in the last couple of days, but for what it's worth I think I'm FINALLY done being the idiot who tries to calmly explain things to bullies.