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Nov. 22nd, 2018 06:03 pm I need to go turn off notifications for this journal or I'll never stop arguing, ugh.
Characters I can't play right
Nov. 22nd, 2018 02:43 pmLoki: I am not up to playing a god, no matter how sympathetic the backstory. Making him a journal was an early step on the road to becoming a pagan, and even then I was frustrated with my inability to portray the god as I imagined him. (Also, trying to tell the myth influences from the Marvel ones was Hell. No pun intended.) I may use this as my paganism blog in future.
Hannibal Lecter, who I've tried a couple times. . I think he was the first journal I made on LJ, back when the idea of a character blog was a startling revelation to me, and while I wasn't exactly terrible at him . . . well, he's so much the sort of scheming master manipulator that even his creators don't know his motives. I was, at the time, a depressed teenager with undiagnosed autism. It was not a good match; I can't even be subtle enough to play the angsty teenage version from the relatively meh prequel. Especially since this was before there was a show, and the mythological references weren't really there yet. This is important, because one of my focuses with my autism has been mythology even since I was five and running around pretending to be Jormungandr instead of Godzilla. (My gender is tomboy LOL) I have a picture of Medusa on one wall and a dragon on the other, so I could have done that rather well, but instead I was stuck trying to play a very earthly evil genius ten years before a version that was reasonable to play as a wendigo existed.
Aaand the Master. The problem with the Master was in fact that I was too much like him. As a kid, before the depression took over and turn my thoughts into grey fog, my best traits were intelligence, creativity and sense of humor. My worst traits as a teen were semi-understandable anger at the whole world, a fascination with horror/violence and an inability to think about other people. When I first saw the episodes of Doctor Who with Simm's Master in them I fixated with an honestly frightening intensity. I don't think I ever watched another episode of the actual show, because that might ruin the fact that there was a cool, scary supervillain version of me, holy shit look at that!!! So yeah.
Hannibal Lecter, who I've tried a couple times. . I think he was the first journal I made on LJ, back when the idea of a character blog was a startling revelation to me, and while I wasn't exactly terrible at him . . . well, he's so much the sort of scheming master manipulator that even his creators don't know his motives. I was, at the time, a depressed teenager with undiagnosed autism. It was not a good match; I can't even be subtle enough to play the angsty teenage version from the relatively meh prequel. Especially since this was before there was a show, and the mythological references weren't really there yet. This is important, because one of my focuses with my autism has been mythology even since I was five and running around pretending to be Jormungandr instead of Godzilla. (My gender is tomboy LOL) I have a picture of Medusa on one wall and a dragon on the other, so I could have done that rather well, but instead I was stuck trying to play a very earthly evil genius ten years before a version that was reasonable to play as a wendigo existed.
Aaand the Master. The problem with the Master was in fact that I was too much like him. As a kid, before the depression took over and turn my thoughts into grey fog, my best traits were intelligence, creativity and sense of humor. My worst traits as a teen were semi-understandable anger at the whole world, a fascination with horror/violence and an inability to think about other people. When I first saw the episodes of Doctor Who with Simm's Master in them I fixated with an honestly frightening intensity. I don't think I ever watched another episode of the actual show, because that might ruin the fact that there was a cool, scary supervillain version of me, holy shit look at that!!! So yeah.
Calming Down
Nov. 22nd, 2018 08:54 am If Loki can wait a few thousand years for Ragnarok than you can outwait the desire to drag yourself down into a spiral, dearest. If Medusa can go on adventures as a severed head then you certainly can as a girl with mental illness. Remember that. Remember that.
Sleep now.
Sleep now.
Back Into 'Hiding'
Nov. 22nd, 2018 07:43 amAlright. I finally found the words for where my mind was and they never read them, so enough of that. I’ll be on wordpress or something for OOC shit so they won’t have their oh-so-mentally-ill selves disturbed by the real thing.
By whatever sadistic, stupid bastard created this universe, I’m more confused than ever.
Never leaving my tiny little zone of fun again, no matter what the mania says.
By whatever sadistic, stupid bastard created this universe, I’m more confused than ever.
Never leaving my tiny little zone of fun again, no matter what the mania says.
Why I Will Not Put Away Childish Things
Nov. 22nd, 2018 06:45 am In non-mutually-bullies-in-denial news, I found a whole fucking bunch of art and scribblings from when I was a little kid.
. . . it was on my fucking nightstand, in plain view. Depression is weird.
Also on my nightstand or kitchen table:
. . . it was on my fucking nightstand, in plain view. Depression is weird.
Also on my nightstand or kitchen table:
- AD&D characters for a DM who has now died of old age
- Ancient halloween makeup
- Filthy old glasses case
- shoe horn (WTF)
- Scented candles
- All the stuff I ever made in ceramics class
An open, honest question
Nov. 22nd, 2018 06:03 amHow can you claim to be o-so-worried about my fucking mental health while ACTIVELY trying to make me COMMIT SUICIDE for a DECADE???
Why you are the bullies
Nov. 21st, 2018 03:46 pm I have been thinking, and I am going to explain now why things have in fact been out of line here for the past five years at least.
I was the little kid who, when asked what she wanted to be when she grew up, replied 'dragon.' I was also the victim of American public schooling, which means that my sex ed was a human organ coloring book and a sense of vague shame.
I am lucky enough that I was able to convert all of my sexual feelings into my autistic obsessions, and unlucky enough that my obsessions were mythology, monsters and horror stories.
The idea that people did ROLEPLAY in FANDOM was probably all that saved my life in high school, when I was constantly on the verge of either committing suicide or going after the school bullies with a knife. I'd read a horror story somewhere called "To Be More Like Them" and the end of it went through my head every day: "She couldn't be more like them, but she could make them more like her."
Which means that when people started to get angry at me, for reasons I truly did not understand at the time, the feelings that had saved me for years became a cage that kept me in my depression for TEN GODDAMN YEARS after the school bullies had all fucked off to God-knows-where.
So yeah, thanks for that. You incredibly stupid and sadistic little fuckers.
Which means that when people started to get angry at me, for reasons I truly did not understand at the time, the feelings that had saved me for years became a cage that kept me in my depression for TEN GODDAMN YEARS after the school bullies had all fucked off to God-knows-where.
So yeah, thanks for that. You incredibly stupid and sadistic little fuckers.
Dealing With The Bullies
Nov. 21st, 2018 02:44 am So that went amazingly well, actually. I mean sure, I've spent the last ten fucking years keeping my head down online out of an irrational, depression-fueled fear that someone from here would come and GET ME for not being the best fucking roleplayer ever (along with, you know, school bullies and other unpleasant persons), but hey! I apologized to the bastards for not being perfect and I feel safer now. So that's nice.
And for the record? When I gave my therapist a quick summary of the last few days she gave me a hug and told me that everything would be alright, because she knows what all is going on in my life and why I needed it, so you can fuck right off now if my apology wasn't good enough for you.
And for the record? When I gave my therapist a quick summary of the last few days she gave me a hug and told me that everything would be alright, because she knows what all is going on in my life and why I needed it, so you can fuck right off now if my apology wasn't good enough for you.
A revelation to an autistic kid
Nov. 20th, 2018 05:56 amI realized again just now that it's really damn weird of me to be a repulsed asexual and a vorarephile at the same time. I realized for the first time that it's probably the result of being autistic. American culture sends the signal that violence is okay and sex is shameful, so I believed it.
Honestly, if you had told me I had any kinks at all I would have laughed in your face. But as an aspie my interests are mythology, nonhuman intelligences and things that eat people, so . . . yeah.
Honestly, if you had told me I had any kinks at all I would have laughed in your face. But as an aspie my interests are mythology, nonhuman intelligences and things that eat people, so . . . yeah.
Yay, communication happened!
Nov. 20th, 2018 02:46 am Okay, after that whole chat I think a lot of the problem was indeed miscommunication. I didn't trust them about what they were saying, I didn't understand that RP violence is still scary and they didn't realize how far they were pushing me . . . that's a real load off my mind.
I'm crying, because the memories are so bad, but I'm laughing because the world might not hate me after all.
I'm crying, because the memories are so bad, but I'm laughing because the world might not hate me after all.
(no subject)
Nov. 20th, 2018 01:22 am I don't understand people. I try to apologize and it just makes everyone more angry. Why is apologizing such a bad idea? I even know it's a bad idea myself, but I don't know why and I feel like I'm supposed to do it at the same time.
And way back when everybody told me I needed to apologize! Are they just trying to trip me up?
Can someone please explain humans to me?
ETA: they were surprisingly nice about it, though. I guess maybe they never realized they were being bullies? Which is pretty fucked up, come to think of it.
And way back when everybody told me I needed to apologize! Are they just trying to trip me up?
Can someone please explain humans to me?
ETA: they were surprisingly nice about it, though. I guess maybe they never realized they were being bullies? Which is pretty fucked up, come to think of it.
Why I was silly years ago
Nov. 19th, 2018 09:34 pm Teenage angst can extend into your 20s when you're depressed
I'm autistic and my main interests are monsters, cannibals and mythical creatures.
I had no friends IRL and was trying to become best friends with everyone. Nothing was just a game for me.
I had not watched enough Doctor Who. It's a long show and I was only interested in a few seasons of it.
I was not as good a writer back then.
I've been better off for a couple of years now, but how I was treated was terrible enough and my depression was severe enough that I didn't even think that I could try again until I had a manic episode
And because someone said that this isn't technically an apology yet: sorry about being such a mess back then.
I'm autistic and my main interests are monsters, cannibals and mythical creatures.
I had no friends IRL and was trying to become best friends with everyone. Nothing was just a game for me.
I had not watched enough Doctor Who. It's a long show and I was only interested in a few seasons of it.
I was not as good a writer back then.
I've been better off for a couple of years now, but how I was treated was terrible enough and my depression was severe enough that I didn't even think that I could try again until I had a manic episode
And because someone said that this isn't technically an apology yet: sorry about being such a mess back then.
So I figured it out.
Nov. 19th, 2018 02:42 am You probably saw and I probably couldn't find the post again if I tried, since I was in the haze of a manic episode, but I finally stopped shaming myself and just came out as a real weirdo. Does that please you at all?
I was diagnosed with Asperger's when I was already in my teens. It then took several more years to get any kind of actual aid. By that point I had it deeply fixed in my head that most of the world was entirely out to get me, that social rules were things invented by bullies specifically to torment me and that friends were liars looking for ways to torment me too. I think I may actually have a mental block on most of the subtler social rules, because deep down I just know that it was all made up on the spot to ruin me. Not to mention that I've never been one to do what I'm told 'just because.' 'Just because' is absolutely not a reason and I won't have it.
Second to that, I have fairly severe anxiety issues and chronic depression. If people don't respond to my PMs I very quickly start worrying that something happened to them, or that they're fucking with me, or even both at once. This promptly causes a feedback loop where people get sick of my worrying, and everything breaks down.
Add that to the problems of understanding people on the internet without any reliable way of detecting tone or expression, and the fact that no one ever talks to me about their problems with me, and you can see why things get bad.
In conclusion, I have turned off my notification on comments to this post, since it's bound to be the stupid preconceptions of whiny idiots I have no time for complaining about issues I neither comprehend nor particularly wish to. I'd take it very kindly if you'd all just bugger off, but bullies never listen, so come bully each other or whatever.
Second to that, I have fairly severe anxiety issues and chronic depression. If people don't respond to my PMs I very quickly start worrying that something happened to them, or that they're fucking with me, or even both at once. This promptly causes a feedback loop where people get sick of my worrying, and everything breaks down.
Add that to the problems of understanding people on the internet without any reliable way of detecting tone or expression, and the fact that no one ever talks to me about their problems with me, and you can see why things get bad.
In conclusion, I have turned off my notification on comments to this post, since it's bound to be the stupid preconceptions of whiny idiots I have no time for complaining about issues I neither comprehend nor particularly wish to. I'd take it very kindly if you'd all just bugger off, but bullies never listen, so come bully each other or whatever.
Writer's Block: Earth Mk. II
Apr. 22nd, 2011 11:49 amIf you could design your own planet, what would it look like and who would live there? Describe the colors, the creatures, and the culture.
My world would be covered in islands, with a blue-and-red sky and black-leaved, silver-barked trees. The creatures would have lots of scales, tentacles and teeth. The culture would be based entirely on art and philosophy. Money would not exist. Pain would not exist. Everything terrible would have never been.
My world would be covered in islands, with a blue-and-red sky and black-leaved, silver-barked trees. The creatures would have lots of scales, tentacles and teeth. The culture would be based entirely on art and philosophy. Money would not exist. Pain would not exist. Everything terrible would have never been.
